Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
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I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*