[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
You Might Also Like
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
When someone says you are so lazy
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?