{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
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[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Sorry. Not sorry
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
called in thicc to work this morning
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine