@KateWhineHall: Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
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@Beardson: These people are putting up 'Lost Parrot' signs for the sake of their kids, but you'd think they'd place them higher for other birds to see.
@kwirkyKerri: I'm just going to cut out the middle man and start cashing my paychecks at the liquor store.
@KeetPotato: [interview with girl at dating agency] i get shy around pretty girls [girl smiles brushing hair from her face] "are you shy now" not really
@Brianhopecomedy: *wife phones* "Hi!" "Hi! Did you clean the house?" "Uhh...YUP!" "OK, I'm coming home. Need anything?" "Yes, about 2 hours."