*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
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Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms