[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
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You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.