[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
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ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Why is this me 😫
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?