My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
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Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses