@mstluvstrinkets: Playing play doh w/ 3 is just her ordering me to "make elephant! Now teapot!" As if I have the artistic ability to create more than a ball.
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@AnkCoupleTO: KFC Team Member: Anything else? Me: More gravy please, I'll say when [several hours later] KFC TM: WE'RE GONNA DROWN M: I didn't say when
@Brampersandon_: WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman? ME: uhh MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
@LeBearGirdle: Friend: just be yourself. Me: Be myself? Be myself?! Some of the most successful people I know aren't myself. That's horrible advice