@mstluvstrinkets: Playing play doh w/ 3 is just her ordering me to "make elephant! Now teapot!" As if I have the artistic ability to create more than a ball.
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@Burtslorp: WHAT DO WE WANT? Migraine relief. WHEN DO WE WANT IT? Yell again & they'll never find your body.
@SteveSuckington: Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness? Me: [wearing my wife's wedding dress] laundry
@Home_Halfway: The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
@BuckyIsotope: You're in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do- "Bread guy"