[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
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Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*