Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
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happy valentine’s day to me
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?