*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
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me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Pickled cat.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion