*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
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Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?