Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
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I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
damn he’s good
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids