[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
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Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Respect
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Pass gas, not judgment.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”