Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
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I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Extremely relatable.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”