@singwithTaffy: Please, by all means, call my landline. I'll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
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@JessObsess: You really only have 2 options: 1. You can be miserable bc you're fat 2. You can be miserable bc you're hungry
@ArfMeasures: ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description? ME: It's like a big, fast dog
@abhorrent_wife: I won't believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I've seen he's put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
@envydatropic: Friends don't let friends drive drunk but I don't want them staying at my house And that's why Uber was created