Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
You Might Also Like
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
OH. COME. ON.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.