@mjkspeaks: Please don't come to my garage sale if you've ever let me borrow something.
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@WheelTod: I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
@ayyyyloser: Can I ask you a question without you getting mad? -People who are about to piss you off
@murrman5: [senses date is losing interest in me] "my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine"
@rockymomax: [baby finally falls asleep] ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax DOG: I'M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON