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Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
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(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
dads on road-trips be like
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”