Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
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[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Mad Max Arctic Road
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Geez man, take it easy.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.