Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
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High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
I was just discussing this with my cat
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Just as the prophecy foretold
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon