@imdaintyaf: Please don't put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
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@WheelTod: [First Date] Her: Your Tinder profile says you're a great listener Me: Really. Ugh. That's a typo. It should say I'm a "great listener."
@Tmoney68: Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
@VerifiedDrunk: Finally nailed my girlfriend and her twin last night You know how I tell them apart? Her brother has a mustache.
@rationalists: The term "mentally ill" is reserved for white people. Brown people are called terrorists. Black people are called thugs.