The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
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Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.