‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
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*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Every BBC series about the universe.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.