‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
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due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
so, is there a mister shapen head
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
step 6: release the wall snake
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok