@mdob11: 'Please, I need this', I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
@ImHopel3ss: My dealer said he'll be here in 20 minutes with the best popcorn ever. We're gonna watch a movie!
@Dr_powpow: I have nothing in common with people that learn from their mistakes
@chrisdelia: I've ALWAYS said "A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting."
@SwartyComedy: They'll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that's been open for more than 2 years.
@AmishPornStar1: Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!