@mdob11: 'Please, I need this', I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
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@DamienFahey: Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor's garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
@midnightwhale: [police station] "sir you get one phone call." [calls 911] "hello 911 what's your emergency?" yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
@LittleMissZesty: Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it's the next big thing.