@mdob11: 'Please, I need this', I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
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@TheTweetOfGod: If what people thought of you, what you thought of yourself and who you really are ever met, the three of you wouldn't recognize each other.
@EJT___: I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs. Quit 1/3 of the way through. Ended up with a 2Pac.
@TheToddWilliams: [candy store] ME: I'd like to return this Tic Tac. CLERK: It looks partially eaten. ME: It's still in... CLERK: Don't ME: ...mint condition.
@mydaughtersarmy: The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.