Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
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Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Me irl
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’