“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
You Might Also Like
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
me, too, girl. me, too.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke