Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
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Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
When someone says you are so lazy
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*