I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
You Might Also Like
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
No. YOU-buprofen.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*