Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
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Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind