Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
You Might Also Like
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
this makes me so uncomfortable
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.