“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
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Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”