I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
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I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.