And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
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(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy