@KimmyMonte: Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don't need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU'RE NOT AN OSTRICH
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@JennyJohnsonHi5: Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn't have an earring.
@weinerdog4life: In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
@LeBearGirdle: *Giving TED talk* Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair! *he does and a mousetrap snaps* Me: trust no one *audience claps*
@Jake_Vig: Instead of "Who's your daddy?" I accidentally said "How's your daddy?" and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father's cholesterol