Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
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Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
I put the p in pants.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.