Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
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My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Pot warmers of the day.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
do u think theres a butter planet?
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today