Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
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[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Why is no one talking about this?!
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
When your man makes a valid point
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.