please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
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If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Everything reminds me of my ex
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Knock Knock
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
hmmm
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married