If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
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Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Shoo shoo! 😂
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you