[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
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Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
calling in to work dehydrated
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Huge, if true.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.