“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
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YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.