Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
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There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.