Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
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Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Danger is very dangerous
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.