Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
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Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
When news reporters do sports stories
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs