Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
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Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade