Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
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My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
This hospital has everything
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”