Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
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Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.