Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
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I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
People buying plungers never look happy.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.