Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
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[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
I put the mess in domestic.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
fired
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Can. I. Help. You.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.