Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
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Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
I didn’t realize that was an option
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you