@jordan_stratton: Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
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@craiguito: If your partner says "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new," "anything" doesn't include getting stuck in a traffic jam
@TheDjinnTrials: If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don't take it as a suppository.
@Spaced_Cowboy00: A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.